i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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