I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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