So drunk its hurt
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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