And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
