I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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