I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
