So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
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There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
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FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.