last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?