Tell her she can't have a vagina
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???