I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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