Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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