Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's never too late to be topless.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
