I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
