do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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