Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
