He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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