i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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