Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Houston, we have a blender
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
