you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
