you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
