A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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