How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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