He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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