So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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