go do what you do best...puke behind churches
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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