3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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