I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
