Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
