sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
