Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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