Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i used baking grease as lip gloss
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
