saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So apparently I’m into choking now
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
