I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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