My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
