My sheets look like a crime scene.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
