Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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