did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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