you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
