its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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