Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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