i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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