WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
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I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
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She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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