I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
