You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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