You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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