when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
