i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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