True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
