remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
