I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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