The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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