He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
