Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
