She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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