I saw his package. It spoke to me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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