He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
