if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
