Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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