Pants 0. Shit 1.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
operation have a gay friend backfired
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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