chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
