the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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