my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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