Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
