saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
