The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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