Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
There's even glitter on my cock...
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