i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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